In the complex world of parenting support, I report here just a few reflections...
The invisible presences
Let us remember that often between us and our child there are other "invisible" figures (our parents, our siblings, ourselves when we were his age), figures to whom we react: in this way we do not react to the present, but we relive the past , reenacting ancient conflicts that do not concern our child, his needs, his personality..
What is meant by "parenting style"?
Parenting style is largely influenced by the way emotions are managed:
careless parents belittle, ignore or underestimate their children's negative emotions; censorious parents criticize the expressions of negative feelings and may go as far as scolding or punishing their children for these emotional displays; lax parents accept their children's emotions and show empathy, but not they are able to offer them guidance or set limits on their behavior.
Education is above all an example, and a parent becomes an effective emotional coach for his child when he himself shows his child self-control, empathy and listening.
Listening is a creative force.
Being listened to creates us, makes us open and expand.
The people who listen to us are the ones we get close to.
To truly listen is to accord respect. Without respect no human relationship can function normally.
If you want to understand what your child is saying, you need to assume that he is right and ask him to help you see things and events from his perspective.
Personally, I advise parents to adopt the technique of ACTIVE LISTENING, which essentially consists of silent and empathetic listening to their child, suspending judgement, without interrupting him with advice, lectures, opinions, interpretations, judgements, proverbs and all the other enemies of truly effective communication between parents and children. At the end I recommend repeating what the child said, reformulating it without adding interpretations or wanting to console or scold.
This makes our son feel truly listened to, understood.
An ideal sequence in COMMUNICATION between parent and child could begin with “Help me understand well”; “Tell me carefully what happened” (to encourage him to express himself more), continue with “I understand that…” followed by mirroring what was said, to reflect the messages to the sender without anticipating the answers, and at the end a question to stimulate the search for solutions “What do you think can be done?”.
Therefore knowing how to listen is the door to opening the dialogue through which we can guide our child to find his best resources and to find - as autonomously as possible - his solution to the problem (so that he learns the precious art of problem solving which is the key of its future autonomy).
